I was scared of your power to make me feel different, to leave me exposed.
You forced me to hide, to wear a bold mask. Feeling embarrassed, and full of self hate.
I had to pretend, and play the class clown. To try to belong, and prove my own worth.
But you also gave shelter, permission to fail. A life of excuses, allowed to play safe.
I felt like a fake, and the anger burnt slow. To feel so frustrated, to hate you so much.
TO HATE YOU SO MUCH
And then a chance came, to turn things around. To stop feeling helpless, to build on new hope.
I discovered your secret, that fear could feel good. To live a full life, to feel so alive.
I feel so empowered, your hold now released.
I have discovered my freedom, and feel proud when I say,
My life is now mine.
I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.
Author’s Note: Whether you stutter or not, it is easy to let fear rule your life. For many people, including myself, the fear of making a mistake, looking silly, being judged, being rejected, etc is just as real as my fear of speaking was. I wrote this composition to step out from behind the mask I wore for 35 years of my life. I wanted to share the raw emotions that I hid for all those all those years, and give others hope that fears can be conquered.
It was by no means easy, and I certainly don’t say that my stutter is cured. But with the courage to face my fears, the strength to never give up and the belief that I can succeed, I am now living a life I only dreamed was possible; and that is that is the message I send to those who face their own challenges in life.
There may be times when you feel scared, exposed, hopeless or full of self hate. But this doesn’t mean that you can never succeed, or that you can never chase your dreams. You are more courageous than you ever imagined, and stronger that you thought possible. You might not believe it at first, but if you take the time to recognise the small things you do every day to hold your ground, then belief will come. It may come slowly at first, but with a time and nurturing, your belief will flourish and lead to you towards a new reality.